Today I walked outside and decided that I hate the weather in this state. This is not a new decision, but rather a renewal of my undying disgust for this entire urethra of a landmass.
The state? Florida, of course.
Ah, yes, the 99% humidity at 99 degrees from now until September. The apocalyptic flocks of malaria-filled mosquitoes with mounted laser sights set on my skin specifically. The screaming cicadas, the overgrown bird-eating spiders, the gators that climb chain-link fences like juvenile delinquents.
How could anyone ever possibly want to leave?
So, here’s what I’m going to do. I’m headed west, to visit all of the National Parks and National Monuments that I possibly can over the course of a couple months. Places like Arches, Joshua Tree, Yosemite, Olympic, and the Badlands. There are many, many more, but they’ll be named soon, because I’ll be writing about these places right here as I have the honor of visiting them.
I’ll be telling you about the trails I take, the best campgrounds, the best pit stops. And naturally, about all of the stupid things that I will inevitably do on my way there. I encourage you to stick around to witness the debauchery, as well as the beauty of these places.
The countdown begins.